Rubber Ring

By Mark J. DeGregorio

“Tell me again Steph, why are we here?” Alan asked his sister.

Stephanie had her blonde hair up and was dressed in her white business suit, answered, “We’re here to support our landlord, Franklin at his wedding.”

Nonie was sitting next to Alan added, “And we’re also here for the “Haft off our Next Months Rent” he promised us if we attended.”

Stephanie rolled her eyes, sighed, and added, “Yea, and that too.”

Franklin was standing at the front of the church; looking nervous waiting for his beloved Elizabeth. He was in a maroon and black tuxedo with white socks. The sweat was rolling off his fat baldhead. Alex, his best man, was eyeing the bridesmaids as they came down the aisle.

Suddenly, they felt a slight vibration. Alan glanced at the holy water to see a water ring form in it. “Did you feel that?” he asked.

Another ring formed in the holy water. Alan asked, “Is a T-Rex coming into the church?” and then, it entered the church.

An enormously fat brunette woman in a bridal dress started down the aisle. The last time Nonie saw someone that fat; it was Juan Tun. If Franklin had hair, it would be standing straight up about now. “Holy Shit! What the hell is that!?” Franklin cried out.

Alex turned to Franklin, informed him, “That’s your loving bride-to-be.”, and then, Franklin started to cry.

Nonie asked Alan, “Is he crying because Elizabeth is coming down the aisle?”

Alan shook his head as he replied, “No, He’s crying “because” Elizabeth is coming down the aisle.”

“Will you two just shut-up!” Stephanie scolded them. Inside, she was laughing her head off, but she has to set an example for the two of them.

The wedding was going off without incident, except for Alan trying to place a bet that Franklin would run out of the church screaming; there were no takers.

At the reception, Franklin was starting to cut himself a big piece of cake when Elizabeth stopped him and called him a hog. When it was time for Elizabeth to throw the bridal bouquet, Nonie went “Elasticity” on all the other women at the reception. She stretched her right arm and torso out to catch the bouquet, pushing the competition away with an outreached left arm. After Nonie had the bouquet, she recoiled herself and received a slapped in the back of the head by Stephanie; whom she knocked down to get it. “Numb-skull!”

“Ow! What was that for.” Nonie cried out.

Stephanie’s eyes grew narrow as she said, “For starters, using your elastic powers here, but mostly for knocking me down to get that bouquet!”

Finally, it was time for them to go on their honeymoon. Elizabeth got into the driver’s seat. Franklin stared at Elizabeth as she said, “Well, what are you waiting for, get in!”

“But I want to drive.” He moped.

Elizabeth yelled, “Get in this car, or I’ll go without you!”

“Yes Dear.” Franklin said and the got into the passenger’s seat and they droved away.

* * * * * * *

The next morning, Nonie staggered into the kitchen to get herself a bowl of Coca Puffs. Stephanie was reading the paper while drinking her coffee. Alan had his palm pilot out, trying to figure something out. Nonie placed the bowl on the table and poured the cereal. Without looking up, Stephanie said, “Here’s a job for you, Nonie, a waitress.”

Nonie grumbled to herself, “It’s too early in the morning for Steph to start up on me.” She looked over at Alan and said, “What about Alan?”

Before Stephanie was able to look up, Alan said, “Wow, look at the time, I’ll going to be late! Gota go now! Bye!” and he rushed out the door.

Nonie’s eyes grew narrow as she yelled, “Chicken!”

Stephanie sat there with a big grin across her face and said, “I guess you'll be getting the job.”

Nonie slumped into her chair and replied, “Peachy.” Nonie stretched her left arm to the drawer and pulled out a spoon as she continued, “What do you think Alan’s “Top Secret Project” is?”

“How should I know?” Stephanie responded, “I’m not his keeper. Although, he does need one to keep him out of trouble.”

Nonie stretched her torso to the refrigerator, took out the bottle of milk, and retracted herself back to the table. She then poured some milk into her cereal and complained, “But why do I have to get a job as a waitress? Why can’t I get a cool job, maybe something in show-business?”

Stephanie got up from the table, taking her coffee cup over to the sink to rinse it out and replied, “There is nothing wrong with being a waitress…”

“Except, it’s boring, it’s really hard work, and there’s all the sloppy, inconsiderate people who’re tight-wads.” Nonie blurted.

Stephanie had this argument with Nonie before, and she was not up for it today. She calmly explained, “Look Nonie, do you really think a “Cool” job is really going to come knocking at our front door?”

Immediately after Stephanie said this, there was a knock at the door. “Hold that thought!” Nonie said, and stretched her torso into the living room to answer the door.

Nonie opened the door and found James standing there. James asked her, “Hey Nonie, how would you like a job as one of my ring girls?”

Nonie turned and stretched her head back into the kitchen and loudly said, “Yes I do. I would very much like to one of your ring girls, James!”

* * * * * * *

The next night, Nonie and Penny were in the back dressing room getting ready for the evenings event. Penny’s costume consisted of pink hot pants, purple halter-top, and tight purple mid calf boots. Nonie looked Penny over and then willed her clothes to morph into the same outfit Penny was wearing.

Penny commented, “I still can’t get use to your clothes doing that, changing at will.”

“Well, you were there when I got my costume.” Nonie responded.

Penny walked to the mirror, started to put up her long dark brown hair into a bun, and replied, “Well, at the time you got it, we didn’t know your costume could shape-shift.”

After Penny finished, putting her hair up, the two girls looked each other over. Nonie took notice that Penny’s breast size was much bigger than hers. Feeling a little awkward, Nonie used her elastic ability to make hers bigger than Penny’s. “How’s this?” Nonie gleefully said.

Penny gave a look that she was not amused said, “Very funny, now put them back.” Nonie reduced them down to her normal size, and then Penny continued, “Oh, that reminds me, about using your elastic powers, don’t use them!”

Nonie blinked a couple of times and asked, “How come?”

“Because, you’re supposed to have a secret identity. If you start stretching all over the place, then you’d have no secret identity.” She responded.

The two girls started to apply their make-up when James entered the room. Penny swung around and yelled, “James! Why don’t you knock before you come in here!”

James smiled and said, “Well, the two of you are already dressed, and I’ve seen you in your original, skin colored outfit.”

Nonie was a little confused, asked, “Original, skin colored outfit?”

“Birthday suit.” Penny sighed.

Nonie, now enlightened said, “Oh, that suit.”

As she was finishing her make-up, Nonie momentary looked over at James, amused at the ensemble he was wearing. He had on purple tights with lavender shorts and boots. His upper attire was a lavender tank top with a large purple A on his chest, and purple wrist guards. James was donning a gold belt as he asked, “Are you two almost ready?”

“We’re waiting for you slow-poke.” Penny jokingly replied.

James took on a heroic pose as he said, “Then let us be off, to the ring!”

“Hey muscle-boy,” Penny sarcastically said as she held up his purple mask and cape, “aren’t you forgetting something?”

James’s face almost matched Nonie’s hair color as he took them from his wife. He put on the cape and then the mask, and again, took on a heroic pose as he said, “Then let us be off, to the ring!”

Nonie glanced at Penny and asked, “And you married him, because?”

“He wasn’t like this when I married him” was Penny’s response to Nonie’s question, “ever since the Hurricane, he’s been acting like a fugitive from the comic books.”

As the three left the dressing room, James took the lead marching like a superhero. Penny followed at least four feet behind her husband, embarrassed by his acting like a comic book hero. Nonie, who was the real superhero around, brought up the rear. When they entered the arena, Nonie was overwhelmed at all the spectators who have come to see the match.

As they passed down the entree ramp, Nonie thought she saw someone very large in a trench coat and hat. Then someone flashed a picture of them and after the spots went away, Mr. Trench coat was gone.

* * * * * * *

James entered the ring as The Atomic Crusher and then the Iron Duke entered. The bell rang and the two started the match. The Iron Duke placed James into a headlock, but he counters with a blow to the ribs. Then James performed an Irish whip on Iron Duke and knocked him down with a clothesline maneuver.

Nonie took her eyes off the match to look for that strange fat man in the trench coat. She does not know why, but she gets the feeling that he is stalking her.

The Iron Duke jumped out of the ring, grabbing a chair, and climbed back into the ring. Penny saw this and shouted, “Crusher…Chair!”

As Iron Duke swung the chair, James jumped back and caught the chair, pulling it away from Iron Duke.

Nonie looked over her shoulder to see the stalker three rows away from the ring, but before she could do something, Penny pulled her down as a metal chair came flying out of the ring. “Focus Nonie!” Penny scolded her. When see looked back, the stalker was gone.

Three minutes had passed, and The Atomic Crusher pinned Iron Duke for the three count and won the match.

* * * * * * *

Penny and Nonie jumped into the ring, Penny on James’s right side, Nonie on his left. The Atomic Crusher lifted his arms into the air and then threw them down just as the pyrotechnics fired up, startling Nonie. She always knew about them from watching it on television, but up close-up, was another thing.

As the photographers took pictures, Mr. Trench Coat jumped into the ring. The referee approached him, but he lifted the referee and threw him out of the ring. Nonie gasped after he removed the coat and hat, “JUAN TUN!”

Penny jumped out of the ring, James ran towards him, but was too, thrown out of the ring. As Nonie jumped out, Juan grabbed her, pulled her rubber butt back into the ring, and said, “Not so fast rubber band girl! We’ve got to have a re-match!”

She was so, not looking forward to this, replied, “But I don’t want to have a re-match!”

“Tough!” and Juan grabbed her and continued, “You started this, I’m finishing this!”

“Well, I kicked your butt, and may I say, it’s a “very” large butt at that!” Nonie responded as Juan Tun lifted her into the air.

Juan smiled and said, “Yea, let’s see how high I can make you bounce.” Then, he slammed her onto the mat. As Nonie bounced up, Juan looked up and continued, “Gee, I recon about forty eight feet.”

After she came down, she bounced about seven more times before she came to a stop. Juan approached her, grabbed her skinny legs and tied them to the turnbuckle, and stretches her across the ring. Juan plaster a grin across his fat face and asked, “Do you know what happens to a rubber band when you stretch it,” he lets go of Nonie and continues, “THIS!”

Nonie hurls towards the turnbuckle and smashed into it. Afterwards, she rather resembles an accordion. Juan proceeded to stretch her out, commented, “Here, let me fix you up a little.”

Juan began to tie her into a knot. When he had finished, he stepped back to admired his handiwork said, “Hum, you’re making me hungry for a pretzel.”

Nonie finally had a chance to think. She started to untie herself, and when she had finished, Juan Tun got down on the mat and said, “This is a move I learned from John Poppin on Celebrity Deathmatch!”

Nonie excitedly said, “Oh! I saw that show! That’s when John rolled over Fiona Apple…” and saw Juan Tun rolling towards her, continued, “…and flattened… her… out!”

Juan started at Nonie’s feet and slowly rolled over her, pressing her flat. She could feel that familiar “flattening” feeling as he rolled over her hips and stomach. When he got to her chest, she closed her eyes in anticipation of what is to come. Finally, Juan rolled over her head, afterwards, she opened her eyes and sighed, “And I’m Fiona Apple.”

Juan got up again to admired his handiwork commented, “Now you’re making me hungry for pancakes,” and started to laugh. “Maybe I’ll order a flat thin-crust pizza.”

Nonie began to peel herself off the mat when Juan moved towards her and said, “You’re paper, and I’m a paper weight,” he sat down on her, “get it! Paper…weight.” Juan laughed.

Nonie have had enough of this. It was time for her to start acting like the super heroin she was supposes to be. She stretched her flattened arms up to the spotlights, grabbing one, and pulled as hard as she could. For the first time in her life, she had a stroke of luck. The spotlight came off the rafters and fell down to the ring, on top on Juan Tun’s head, knocking him out.

James as The Atomic Crusher, Iron Duke, the referee, Penny, and about six other wrestlers jumped into the ring. Penny asked, “Nonie, are you alright, is there anything we could do for you?”

“Yea, get this big lard-butt off of me!” They proceeded to roll Juan Tun off Nonie. When Juan was off her, Nonie peeled herself from the mat. She looked herself over to see just how flat he squished her. “Wow, a sixteenth of an inch. That’s the flattest I’ve ever been.” She gloated.

After three or four minutes, Nonie was back to being a fully three-dimensional girl.

* * * * * * *

Later, as they were ready to take Juan Tun into custody, the wrestling commissioner approached them and said, “Hold it! Wait!”

They stopped in their tracks. Nonie asked, “What! We’re busy at the moment.”

“I need to talk to Juan Tun for a moment.” He pleaded, and approached Juan.

Nonie’s left arm was wrapped around Juan’s wrists to make a makeshift handcuffs. She paused a moment to let the commissioner speak to Juan.

“So, what do you want?” Juan asked.

The commissioner asked him, “I was very impressed by your performance out there, if I drop all charges on you, would you like to go pro as a wrestler?”

“What!!” Nonie cried out.

Juan thought for a moment, then said, “Hum, me as a wrestler. Does it pay good?”

“I can start you off with $2,500 a match, and if the crowd love you, it could go up to 4,500 a match.” The commissioner informed him.

Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped to the floor, literary. “What!!” Nonie cried out again.

Juan loved the reaction on the rubber freak’s face, as he smiled and said, “Dude! You got yourself a new wrestler,” then he turned to Nonie and said, “Cease and desist my containment.”

Nonie blinked, “What?”

“Take your rubber mitts off me! Sheeez! What an imbecile you are!” Juan retorted.

Nonie complied, released Juan, and asked, “What about me? Do I get a contract too?”

“Well, I do have this for you.” then, the commissioner hands Nonie a layoff notice. Nonie read it to herself.

Because of the damage to the lighting system…

YOU’RE FIRED!!!

“…And this.” The commissioner hands her another slip of paper.

“A bill for $724 dollars!!!” Nonie screamed.

The commissioner replied, “Well, you only need to pay $278, the rest was deducted from your pay for this match tonight.”

Juan Tun started to laugh himself silly at Nonie’s predicament. He couldn’t have planed a better revenge for her if he had tried. In addition, he has himself a new career as a pro wrestler, he said, “Boy, life is truly good for me.” Then turned to Nonie and continued, “To bad I can’t say the same for you.”

Juan Tun and the wrestling commissioner went into his office to finalize the deal, leaving Nonie standing there with a dumb look on her face.

* * * * * * *

By the time Nonie got home, Alan had already returned from his “secret project” and was getting on Stephanie’s nerves. They were out in the courtyard of the apartment building. Stephanie was sitting in a lounger trying to read a magazine by the light coming from the spotlights. She was glad that Nonie was home, mainly to get her dumb brother to leave her alone. Stephanie said, “I saw the match tonight. Is there something you want to tell me? Like, why that enormously fat guy was beating the crap out of you?”

“Well, he was the very first villain I tangled with, when I first got my powers.” She replied.

A car pulled up to the building and Franklin and Elizabeth got out. Franklin opened the trunk of the car and removed the bags. Elizabeth looked over the building as Franklin bought the bags into their apartment.

“Looks like they’re returning from their honeymoon.” Stephanie said.

Alan added, “Short honeymoon.”

“Do you think everything is alright?” Nonie asked.

Franklin and Elizabeth arrived at the front door of their apartment when Elizabeth fiercely asked, “Well, aren’t you going to carry me over the threshold?”

Franklin meekly responded, “But honey, you’re too fat and heavy.”

“WHAT!!!” Elizabeth roared. She reached her chubby hand out and grabbed Franklin by the throat. With her other hand, she balled it up into a fist and slammed it into Franklin’s face, knocking him to the ground. Then she stomped into their apartment.

Stephanie, Alan, and Nonie looked at each other in shock and horror before Stephanie said, “I think we’re in trouble here.”

“Good call sis.” Alan added.

Stephanie shook her head at the thought of the new landlord, then asked Nonie, “So, how much did you pulled it for this job?”

Nonie handed the papers to Stephanie as Alan looked over Stephanie’s shoulder. After she read them, Stephanie did not say a word. What scared Nonie was the big, psychotic smile stretched across Stephanie’s face.

* * * * * * *

Later at a small dinner, a man, his wife and children sat down at a booth. They looked over the menu and called the waitress over to order. She strolled over to where they were sitting. She was a scrawny girl in her early twenties. The waitress sighed, “How may I serve you?”

The husband looked at the waitress and places their order. As the waitress walked away, the wife muttered, “Did you get the crazy die job on her?”

One of the kids said, “I think the red and pink hair is cool.”

The waitress forgot her pencil on the table and stretched her arm twenty-five feet and retrieved it. The short-order cook called out, “Pick-up, table three, Miss Turner.”

Nonie muttered to herself, “I hate this waitress job. I’m going to get that Stephanie for this.” She picked up the plates stretching her hand into a serving tray, continued, “Why can’t I get a cool job why did it have to be a waitress job for?”

The End!