The Grocery Goofs

Nonie looked up at the sign above her head and goggled. 'Grocery Village?' she said, disbelieving. 'That's your surprise?'

Behind her, another car door slammed as Alan got out of the car and walked round to join her. He was shaking his head slowly. 'You know, she's just been waiting for an opportunity like this.'

'Quit bitching, the both of you!' Stephanie said forcefully, unbuckling her belt and sliding out from under the wheel. The passenger-side power window made its characteristic whining noise as she rolled it down. As Alan and Nonie turned to face her, she thrust a sheaf of papers into her brother's chest so hard that he staggered. Stephanie had an expression on her face that Nonie had seen before. On the late, late show. On the face of the most pleasant, helpful, character after he or she is revealed to be the psychotic axe murderer, and is about to get busy.

Alan was flicking through the papers, held neatly together by a large paperclip in the left top corner. 'Coupons,' he said, 'soap, dish detergent, oatmeal, and...' he flicked to the last page -- 'A shopping list?'

Stephanie's pleasant, yet distant smile was still in place. 'Yes, O idiot brother of mine. The week's shopping list. It's about time you two paid your keep around here. One way or another.'

'But -- but --' Nonie said, beginning to protest. She was shushed violently. 'Don't interrupt,' Stephanie said sweetly. 'It should take you about an hour to finish the shopping. I will be back to pick you up at that time. Don't be late, unless you like the idea of spending the night here.' Nonie was beginning to get scared at how small Stephanie's pupils were.

'Steph --' Alan said again.

'Hush, you!' Stephanie said. 'If you look at the list, you will notice I specifically listed each brand of the product you are to buy, or food type. Also, you will notice I put down the appropriate price of each item.' Abruptly, she snapped her fingers and pointed at Nonie, then Alan. 'Give me your wallets.'

'What?' Nonie said, sounding dazed.

'Your wallets, purses -- Oh, you know what I mean! Give!' When Stephanie snapped her fingers the two of them were so shocked, they could do nothing but comply. Quickly, Stephanie rooted through both of them and extracted Nonie and Alan's money, spare change, credit cards, and ATM cards. Then she tossed the empty containers back to them, which they caught, still seeming dazed.

'Hey!' Nonie said indignantly.

'To continue,' Stephanie said, and handed a bulging business envelope to Alan. 'In there, you will find the exact amount you need to complete your shopping. When you are finished, the only thing you should have left is a quarter, so you can call someone who cares if you're not done when I show up. And...don't bother doing something stupid like destroying the receipt, or claiming they didn't give you one. I'll know.' She held up her watch, and pointed to it. 'You've got sixty minutes, starting in five...four...three...two...one. Happy shopping!' she said then, quickly rolling the window up as Nonie tried to stretch her arm through the window and grab the money and bank cards back. Stephanie waved as she pulled away from the kerb in a squeal of tyres.

Then Alan said slowly, 'Did she really just do what I think she did?'

Nonie nodded, glumly. 'Looks like it.'

Alan sighed. 'I wonder how long she planned this.' Then he turned, and walked through the automatic doors as they slid open. 'Come on,' he said then. 'We've only got fifty-nine minutes left.'

Nonie moved after him, timid as a rabbit. 'Maybe she's bluffing. She wouldn't really leave us here, would she?' Then she answered her own question. 'Yes she would.'

Nonie's mouth had almost disappeared into itself, and her forehead was scrunched up into something resembling an M. C. Escher print. She held the shopping list, turning it this way, that, and upside down. Behind her, a series of grunts, rattles, and bangs as Alan tried to wrestle a shopping cart free of its fellows. Then, a squeak of wheels, and he was beside her, panting. 'Sorry about that,' he said, wheezing. 'What's the problem?'

Nonie shrugged. 'I can't read your sister's handwriting.' She passed the list over. 'See what you make of it.'

Alan looked at it. 'No problem,' he said, matter-of-factly. 'I can make it out. Let's go.' He pushed the cart forward slightly, and stopped when Nonie didn't follow. 'What's wrong now?'

Nonie pointed down. There was a thin track, like a small ditch, across the top of her pliable foot, and the trolley's wheel rested comfortably in it as though it belonged there. Alan's face went red. 'Sorry,' he said again. He gently moved the cart over and watched as Nonie's shoe and foot rose like bread dough and filled itself in. Suddenly, his face assumed its usual sly expression. 'Want me to kiss it better?'

Nonie slapped him on the top of the head with an enlarged palm, but lightly. Alan grinned and began to push the shopping cart.

They made up for lost time quickly, thanks to Nonie's judicious though secretive use of her elastic ability. No shelf was too high, no gap too narrow. Alan was whistling as he pushed the cart towards the dairy case. 'We're actually ahead of schedule now,' he said cheerfully. 'Can't wait to see Steph's face when she shows up and we tell her how long we've been waiting.'

Abruptly Nonie paused. Something smelt good. Her mouth watered. 'Hold on,' she said then. 'I gotta check something out.'

'Well, okay,' Alan said, looking nervous. 'But don't take too long. Our window's not that big.' He stopped the cart and stepped over to the dairy case, looking at the milk bags. He knew enough to know the best dates were always stored at the back. He half-crouched and began to root through them.

Nonie, transformed now into her Elasticity costume, slithered past him. Alan noticed with amusement that her bare torso was breaking out in goose pimples from the cold of the case. Looping and slithering around him like a huge snake, Nonie curled loosely around a potato chip display, and stretched her neck up over the aisles, sniffing like a bloodhound. Alan looked up as her hand fell on his shoulder. 'What is it?'

'Free samples!' Nonie crowed. She curved her neck downward slightly to look at him. 'I'll grab you some.'

'Nonie --' Alan said, 'are you sure you want to do it...this way. There are cameras, you know. Assuming you ever want to reveal your identity, I don't think a grocery store is, like, the coolest place to do that.'

'Cameras, scmameras!' Nonie said, waving a hand dismissively. 'You think that can stop Elasticity? I'll be there and back before you -- or anyone -- can say boo.'

'Boo.' A pause. 'I'm disappointed, actually.' But Nonie had already sprang forward like a rubber band before the last words left his lips. Alan shrugged, hoisted the two best milk bags, and carried them over to the shopping cart.

During her short flight through the air, Nonie realised that Alan's words actually made sense. As she landed, and bounced back to her feet like a pop-up clown, she'd altered her wardrobe back into something more normal-looking.

The sample display was one of those plywood booths you can put up and take down quickly, a small box

The woman handing out the samples had dark hair, hidden under a visor with the Grocery Village logo on it, and wore the usual green smock and green-striped shirt, also with the logo -- a smiling apple next to a small house with a white picket fence. Her head was bent, and she mumbled as she passed a plate to a little old lady. On it were two tiny cocktail weenies, skewered with toothpicks, and smothered in some dark, mouth-watering sauce. 'Thank you dear,' the old lady said, and withdrew.

'Here,' said the Grocery Village employee, filling a plate and shoving it at Nonie without looking, 'enjoy.'

Something about the woman's behaviour was familiar. 'Do I know you?'

Nonie said.

'Have a nice day GodIhatethisjob mumblemumblemumble...thank you for shopping at Grocery Village.'

Nonie tried to look at the woman's name tag, but it was blocked from view by her chin being tucked into her chest. Grinning, she subtly stretched out her right arm, curled it around the woman's back, and tapped her on the left shoulder. The woman's head snapped up, dark hair flying, and as the green plastic tag came into view, Nonie saw the name Patricia. Inside her head, a small version of her in an Elasticity costume with devil's horns, a cute tail, and a tiny pitchfork started to dance with glee.

'You!' Nonie gasped, as Patricia Connling's head swiveled around like an owl searching for prey, and her brown eyes met Nonie's. Inwardly, she rejoiced to see her nemesis brought so low.

'You,' Patricia said in response, sounding more like a growling bear. Her eyes flicked sideways at the squeaking noise as Alan came up. 'Both of you,' she said then, irritably. 'The freak and the geek.'

'Said the poor little rich girl working at Grocery Village,' Alan said with a smirk. 'Need pocket money? Or is it the old classic -- Daddy's cut you off, so you need to --' he made air-quotes with his fingers, not unlike Nonie's inner devil's horns -- 'work and “build character”? Awwkkkk!'

This last phase was a result of Patricia transforming to Plastricia, stretching herself over the counter, and coiling herself round and round Alan like a hungry boa constrictor. Half-choked by the loops that encompassed him from the neck down, Alan swayed on his feet but didn't fall.

Nonie had transformed too, ready to fight. In the back of her mind, she wondered what weird quirk of fate was ruling today's events. There were now two super-elastic beings in the grocery store, and no one seemed to notice. Plastricia elongated her neck slightly out of the way and stared at Nonie. Alan was beginning to twitch, so she tightened herself around him to keep him quiet.

'Breathe a word of this to anyone -- anyone,' Patricia Connling said slowly, 'and I'll find your little chickie-baby alone sometime, and I'll pop him like a zit!'

Nonie just grinned at her and shook her head. Her emotional high was far too great to be brought low by empty threats.

'You think I won't?' Plastricia said. 'Listen girlie, you remember what I was like, back in the day. I'll do it!'

Nonie shook her head again. Then, chuckling as Patricia's face screwed up, trying to puzzle out her bizarre reaction, she slowly mouthed the word cameras.

Patricia Connling shrugged her shoulders then, uncoiling from around Alan in the same fluid move, and returning to her original state. Then, dropping her head to her chest again, she said loudly, 'Thank you. Only one sample per customer please! Have a nice day, and thank you for shopping at Grocery Village!'

Nonie transformed back to street clothes, found Alan, and strode away, hand-in-hand, pushing the cart in tandem with him.

'Excuse me, please,' Alan said, as he gingerly manoeuvred around a mother and her own cart, filled not only with groceries, but her child. The woman smiled at him, and the kid raised a cute, chubby, chocolate-covered hand. The rest of the chocolate was smeared over his cheeks and grinning mouth. Alan wasn't able to avoid a sticky handprint on the front of his shirt. They were almost finished the shopping, and they had twenty minutes left.

'You okay?' Nonie asked. 'I don't think she would have hurt you, you know.' Then she paused and said, 'Seriously, at least.'

Alan smiled. 'I'm fine. Let's just get the shopping done.' He checked the list, now covered with numerous cross-outs in pen. 'We just need eggs, water, and ice cream...?' He broke off, cocking his head. 'Do you hear something?'

Nonie paused. 'Yeah, sort of a sliding noise...it...' She suddenly grabbed his arm. 'Look out!'

Alan glanced down, and saw a number of egg cartons skittering across the floor towards the wheels of the cart. He wrenched the cart to the side, avoiding going over the carts and littering the floor with egg yolk and bits of shell. Even more incredibly, he hopscotched his legs and danced lightly over the Styrofoam without touching them. Behind him, Nonie was scooping the cartons up in shovel-like hands, glancing at the dates, then placing the two best neatly in the cart's wire basket, replacing all the others back on their shelf without moving. She dusted her hands off as they shrank back to normal and said 'That's that!' with evident satisfaction. 'Water next?'

'Sure,' Alan said, and then he paused. 'Any ideas on how that happened?'

'Clean-up in Aisle Seven!' Patricia Connling cackled from somewhere. 'Clean-up in Aisle Seven!' Then, an even louder rumbling noise. Nonie twisted her head around 180 degrees, and said to Alan, 'Runnn!'

Behind them, like the boulder from the opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark, a series of three huge plastic water containers rumbled towards them. Nonie, once again Elasticity, threw herself to the floor and flattened out like a sheet of paper. As the first container rolled over her flattened form without harm, she peeled her upper torso from the floor, and curled around it, stopping its forward movement. Alan saw the back of her uniform stretch as the other ones piled in behind it. 'You okay?' he called out.

'Fine,' Nonie grunted. 'Just...give...me...a second.' She stretched herself further, became a living ramp. Then, she rolled one of the water containers off her, and gently but firmly stuffed it into place beneath the shopping cart. Snapping back into her normal shape, Nonie shook her head, and grinned at Alan. 'And it's the right brand, too. How lucky is that? Now, for the ice cream. How much time we got?'

Alan glanced at his watch. 'Ten minutes.'

Nonie literally bounced on the soles of her feet as she walked.

Eight minutes to go. They had the ice cream. And, they were at the far end of the store. Thankfully, most of the cash tills were empty, and they'd be able to move quickly.

As Alan whistled, and pushed himself forward, he found his path blocked by a large individual with a leather jacket, shaved head, and a large number of tattoos. The man's gut was about the size of a minivan, and with the large number of precariously-stacked beer cans on his cart, it was easy to see why.

Alan switched into his most polite mode. 'Excuse me sir, can you let me by? I'm in a hurry.'

The man glanced at him with a sour eye, but didn't appear to be overly hostile. He moved aside, the wheels of his cart making only a brief whisper as opposed to Alan's classic eek-eek-eek sound. Alan said 'Thanks,' and gratefully moved ahead, Nonie trailing along behind him. As she passed the cart, she looked it over. There was something else unusual about it. Rather than the standard silver wire, the colour was purple.

Uh-oh, Nonie's devil said.

'Alan!' Nonie said. 'That guy's cart -- it's Plast --'

And then Alan jerked as the Plastricia cart slammed into his, and small items flew off the top. Nonie moved like a juggler, arms stretching, hands grasping, placing them back into place. She couldn't see any of Plastricia's features in her cart-shape, but she knew if shopping carts could grin, this one surely would be. The whole thing was surreal: it was like something out of a Hollywood car chase.

Alan, panicked, as a glance at his watch showed only five minutes left, swung his cart back the other way, slamming into Patricia's pliable body hard enough to rock the topmost beer case. The tattooed man growled something, and Alan tried to run faster. Nonie stretched her neck to peer out the front window of Grocery Village, and saw a familiar car pulling into the far end of the lot. It paused as a large truck pulled out directly in front of it, and the sound of someone really laying on the horn echoed across the asphalt like the Last Trump.

'Stephanie's here!' Nonie said, her voice high and yelping. 'Move, move, mooove!'

Alan was struggling: the Plasticart had stretched itself forward and was attempting to pin him and his burden against a large stack of laundry detergent. Grunting and straining, he made painful progress forward. But the cart was inching forward now, conforming to his side and snuggling closer. Alan was slowly losing steam, and his breath was coming in gasps. Nonie could hear Patricia Connling laughing silently at her, having once again gained the upper hand. She knew nothing of Stephanie's ultimatum but it didn't matter.They were going to be abandoned here, unless --

Her gaze fell on the bunch of bananas, yellow and ripe.

There was no time for thought. She became Elasticity again, her arm snaked forward, and her hand plucked and peeled the banana in one movement. Stuffing the white-yellow fruit into her face and chewing, she glanced back with her peripheral vision, and dropped the skin directly beneath the left-front wheel. Plastricia ran over it, and exploded the yellow skin into pulpy mush. She swerved, her embrace against Alan and the detergent loosening, the tattooed man fighting to regain his balance and save his beer at the same time.

Alan exploded forward. Pulling in front of the failing purple cart, he slid into the first free check-out queue as though he'd been greased. He and Nonie frantically slammed the merchandise down on the counter, and the pretty checkout clerk began ringing them through, sensing the vibe and going with it.

They were out in front with their merchandise with thirty seconds to spare.

Stephanie, resting her chin on the wood, stared at the lone quarter on the tabletop -- her calculations had worked out to the last dollar. Inwardly, she was hoping, just a little, that they would have failed. Slowly she raised her head, and looked into her brother's and her roomate's eyes.

'You did good,' she said tiredly. 'It was a big help, what you did today. Thank you.' Alan raised a hand, and gently lifted Nonie's chin back up until her jaw clicked shut.

'You're welcome, sis,' he said simply. 'Anytime.'

For a moment, the old spark flared in Stephanie's eyes. 'You sure you know what you're doing, little bro? I will take you up on that, you know.'

'I know,' Alan said quietly. 'After today, I figure I could handle it.'

'What?' Stephanie said in a small voice. She looked puzzled, like someone who's missed the punchline of a joke.

Alan smiled at her, and he and Nonie walked past her to the television.

'Never mind, sis. You really don't want to know.'