Macramania

1.

'No, no, no! A thousand times, no!'

'C'mon, Steph! You gotta admit, this is much more practical than my other ideas. No wild get-rich-quick schemes, honest. But this is guaranteed to bring in some money! You'll thank me!'

'I doubt that!'

'Look, it's a digital camera. How much trouble can I get into with that, eh?

Realistically, aren't you being just a little prejudiced about this, sis?'

'Realistically, bro, it's not prejudice, it's precedent! How did you get that...that thing in the back of your neck? Remember? Doofus!'

'Oh, that's the best part. See, I don't need to worry about diddling with memory cards, or hooking this thing up to my hard drive anymore. See, I take this little adapter cable here --'

'Alan, I'm just about to have my breakfast here, please, I'm going to be sick.'

'Annnddd...' a soft click, 'I plug it into this baby back here -- ahhhh! See? Perfectomundo! Everything fine. Then, I take my picture --' mock-barfing sounds could be heard, ' -- and when I get home, unplug myself from the camera, and plug myself directly into the hard drive and download directly from my head. The Zip-Noggin! Heh heh heh heh heh!'

'Alannn....'

Nonie Turner, the young woman sometimes known as Elasticity curled her elongated neck round the doorframe. Her short red hair was wrapped in a towel turban. Stephanie, ready for work, was trying to choke down some oatmeal with sliced bananas and blueberries on it -- and keep it down. 'Morning!' Nonie said brightly, stretching her neck further into the room. 'What's up?' Stephanie rolled her eyes, and was pointing at Alan, who was fiddling with an expensive looking digital camera. '....but this baby,' he was continuing, unaware that his sister had stopped listening a long time ago, 'it also does full video! So we don't need to concern ourselves with still pictures!' He looked like he was about to drool. 'The possibilities are endless!' Then he looked up and saw Nonie. His face looked like one of King Arthur's knights finally setting his gaze on the Holy Grail. He sighed in rapture. 'Ah! Just the superheroine I wanted to see!'

Nonie's neck continued to stretch until her nose and face were about six inches away from Alan's. 'What are you up to now?' she said, glancing sideways at Stephanie. Her voice didn't have the venom Alan's sister had; she was, not-so-secretly, in Alan's corner most of the time, thanks to his annoyance factor.

'My dear brother,' Stephanie said sarcastically, 'has decided to play Peter Parker.' She shot him a look that would have killed him on the spot, if it could.

'Well,' Alan said slowly and diplomatically, 'you know how Peter Parker made money in the comics by getting those exclusive shots of Spider-Man? Seeing as he was Spider-Man.'

'Yeah,' Nonie said. One of her arms had followed her into the kitchen, and she was resting its index finger on her cheek, head cocked slightly to listen. The towel slipped off her hair and landed with a wet thump on the floor.

'What I thought,' Alan went on, ignoring the steadily darkening looks Stephanie was shooting him, 'is once you start getting real serious with this Elasticity thing, I could tag along, and document your exploits. Then, of course, we sell the pictures to the paper, and the videos to the TV stations, and make money!'

'You're out of your mind,' Stephanie mumbled to herself. Then she saw the slow, excited look creeping over Nonie's face and added, 'I take that back. You're both crazy.' Then she started violently and almost spilled her orange juice, gazing at nothing with a look of vague horror. Nonie had shifted her focus, wrapping her neck around Stephanie's shoulders a couple of times, and was staring into her face.

'Stephanie...it's money,' the rubber girl purred. Stephanie clamped her hands over her ears and rocked slowly back and forth. 'I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this, I...am...not...hearing...this!' Then abruptly, she threw up her hands, shrugging off Nonie's coils in the process, and said, 'Okay. Fine. Neither of you will listen to reason, so go ahead. Some...of...us,' she said slowly, forcing the words out through clenched teeth, 'have things to take care of. Like, oh...work, to pay for expensive digital cameras that other people bought with money that wasn't theirs! ' She got up, and began to rinse her dirty dishes in the sink.

There was a click. Alan had just switched on the small CD-player and radio on the kitchen table. It spluttered for a few moments, and then a calm newscaster's voice said:

'...has just been a robbery at the local branch of First Trust Savings and Loan this morning. Police haven't given any details as to the amount stolen, but will say the bank tellers and security were subdued in an unusual fashion. Witnesses have said the tellers appear to have been macramed into submission. Police have sealed off the area around the bank, and are continuing their investigations. We go now to Chet Wilkington, live at the...'

Another click; Alan had switched the radio off. He shrugged and said 'No time like the present.' holding the camera aloft triumphantly.

'I'll get dressed,' Nonie said eagerly. 'I've never seen a crime scene -- except on TV.' She and Alan high-fived and shouted 'Yes!'

'Why me?' Stephanie muttered in a small voice. There was a clunk as her juice glass fell from her hands and landed on the floor, but did not break. Then, just a rattling sound as it rolled for a couple of seconds before stopping.

2.

How many superheroes were so poor they had to take the bus? Nonie wondered. She gazed lazily out the window, watching the city streets roll by, and not thinking about anything in particular. There was a ding and the soft hiss of air brakes as the bus rolled to a stop and someone got off. Then they were rolling again. Feeling something digging into her side, she looked down. Alan was poking her in the ribs with his elbow. It didn't hurt, but it was annoying.

'Quit it!' she hissed angrily, stretching her hands slightly to grab his arm and hold it still.

'I just thought you should know,' Alan whispered, 'your secret identity...isn't so secret right now.' Nonie looked down, and almost blushed as pink as her bangs. She'd forgot to transform her Elasticity costume, and more than a few people were staring at the young lady with the skintight yellow and green shirt, bare midriff, short pants, and elf boots. She decided to concentrate on the task at hand; transforming now would only bring more attention on herself.

'Anyone asks,' she whispered to Alan, 'We're on our way to a play, or a film shoot or something. Got that?' He winked and gave a thumbs-up. Then Nonie stiffened, a noise something like 'Gheee!' escaping from her mouth. Abruptly, her neck shot forward, weaving around the bus like a fleshy snake, and a arm covered in yellow tapped the driver gently on his shoulder with its hand. Turning and seeing a young, cheerfully smiling female face practically suspended in mid-air beside him, the driver stood on the brakes hard. There was a squeal, and the sound of honking horns and curses from behind them.

'Excuse me,' Elasticity said, 'but we've missed our stop.' She smiled as sweetly as she could. 'Do you think you could let us out here?' The driver's mouth gaped, but his arm still moved fine. The door opened with a loud chunk sound. 'Thanks,' Elasticity said brightly, and retracted her neck and arm. Looking at Alan, she saw he had a strange expression on his face, and was pointing above her head. At the bell cord. 'Oops,' Nonie said quietly. Inside her head, Stephanie was triumphantly crowing I told you so! I told you so! Nyah-nyah-nyah-NYAH-nyah! She and Alan got up and together they got off the bus.

Outside the bank, there was a huge crowd of people, standing well back from an area cordoned off by yellow Crime Scene tape. Just outside the tape, as well as inside it, were a number of uniformed police officers, plainclothesmen, and a number of hand-wringing men and women in suits, who were probably bank employees. Abruptly, there was movement at the doors, and the mass of people inside the taped barrier began to seethe back and forth. Nonie stretched her torso and neck, giraffing her body in an attempt to see over the hullaballoo. Beside her, Alan was trying to squeeze through the crowds of people, frantically waving around the digital camera that was now as useful as his appendix.

'What's going on? What's going on?' Alan said, beginning to whine now. Nonie curved her neck downwards to look at him, then slithered forward to whisper in his ear.

'They're carrying out those security guards now!' she said breathlessly. 'You should see it! They're all roped up like they've been trapped in a spiderweb or something! I thought I heard them say something about needing a blowtorch to cut them free! It's like, wow! I've never seen anything like it!'

'At least you get to see it,' Alan grumbled. 'How are we going to get our Pulitzer when we can't even see what's happening?'

Elasticity winked at him and took his hand. 'Follow me,' she said gaily, now retracted to human size. She slipped through the crowd effortlessly, pulling Alan along behind her, moving like a lovestruck teenybopper on the way to meet the boy of her dreams. Alan yelped and cursed as the crush of people slapped the camera against his chest, and pinched his limbs and flesh. He didn't know how Nonie managed to do it, but soon they were just outside the tape, and staring at a wall of blue uniforms. Elasticity was grinning. 'Told you I'd get us there. I -- yipe!'

Alan didn't blame her for the outburst; it was like they'd wandered into a total eclipse of the sun. The cop looming over them was big, blad, and black, at least six-foot something, and somewhere in the area of a couple of hundred pounds. The smile on his face was friendly, though; Alan suspected he was probably the one selected to go round to the schools and lecture the kids on important things like safety. His voice was slow, rumbling, and carried a hint of an accent, probably Southern. Though he dwarfed both of them, his attention was fixed firmly on Nonie.

'Hold up, little lady,' he drawled in a voice somewhere around the speed of pouring molasses, 'No offence, but you may have got lost on the way to your costume party.' Paahty. 'I'm afraid you're not permitted to be here.' It came out heah.

'But I'm a superhero!' Nonie protested. She was practically bouncing from foot to foot in excitement and frustration. 'Elasticity!' One of the cop's eyebrows raised in a I'm sorry, should I have heard of you? expression. Not rude or sarcastic, more polite puzzlement. 'Even so, missy, I'm afraid only deputised' -- deh-pew-tahsed '-- officers of the law are permitted. Though,' and here his voice dropped conspiratorially, 'we do appreciate the help.' Nonie fumed.

Alan locked eyes with Nonie without turning his head. The look he beamed Elasticity's way from the corner of his eye said I'll take care of this, babe. Man-to-man. No problemo; this is guy stuff. He puffed out his chest, stepped forward slightly, with his biggest million-watt smile ready, and held up his camera for inspection. The cop looked at him with the same mild politeness.

'See this camera?' Alan said, tapping it. 'I am a member of the press. The fifth estate. I believe we have a right to be here.'

The cop's demeanor changed. His smile became broader and he said, 'May I see your credentials, sir?'

Alan's eyes flickered, and a muscle in his cheek twitched. He hadn't expected this. His face belonged to a man who enters a room...and closing the door behind him, finds there's no floor. The smile faltered. 'Ah.....' he said, his mouth hanging open as though trying to catch flies. Then his teeth clicked together and he squeaked out 'I beg your pardon?'

'Your press pass,' the cop said, still with the same unruffled patience. 'May I see it?'

'Of course,' Alan said, still talking through his teeth. He made a show of fumbling through his clothing, making a good spectacle out of looking for something that wasn't there. He gave his best oopsie grin and said, 'I think I left it in my other pants.'

'I'm sorry then, sir,' the cop said, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back like a mountain shrugging its shoulders, 'I'm afraid I can't let you or your ladyfriend by without authorisation.' Alan's patience -- and his nerve -- broke.

'I paid a thousand bucks for this camera!' he said, mentally adding my sister paid for it actually, but why split hairs? 'I had to take a bus down here, specifically for the purpose of using it!' No response; he might have been arguing with a statue. 'Please!' he said then. The cop said nothing then, but his face radiated sympathy.

Elasticity stepped forward, a smile of her own on her face. 'Look,' she said brightly, stretching her neck so her face was on a level with the cop's own, 'I don't need to disturb you or any of your men, I can just slip in there and take a peek, no harm done. Okay?' The cop was unmoved by this display. Nonie's neck stretched further, and she tried to slither by him.

Elasticity was impressed by the size of the man's hand. It was wider than her entire face. The man's arm was amazingly long, too, for someone not possessed of rubber powers. When she tried to move her neck, the giant arm and hand moved with her, like a forward setting a pick in basketball, or a defender guarding the hoop. Then she saw the fingers curve like a spider, and came down to rest gently on the crowd of her head.

Then, she felt the gentle and irresistable pressure. Amazingly, the cop was pushing her neck back down on her shoulders. He didn't force her, he didn't rush it, he might have been handling a baby bird. This wasn't something you could fight against; you could only go with it. She also felt his hand was twisting in a faint counter-clockwise movement, and she heard the click-click-click of her vertebrae aligning. Then, her head popped back onto her shoulders, and she felt dazed. 'Whoa!' she said, and shook her head slightly, sneezing like a cat.

'I'm sorry,' the cop said again, quietly. 'I can't let you by.'

Alan was about to step forward, his face beginning to set with anger, with Nonie wrapped an arm loosely around him and pulled him back. 'S'okay,' she said, and smiled at the cop, 'you're only doing your job. See ya!' she said, waved. Alan hung back for a moment, and her arm stretched slightly with the additional tension. They sauntered away.

'What are you doing?' Alan hissed. She gave a sly grin. 'You think a gorilla like that's gonna stop Elasticity?' She pointed with a lengthened finger at a couple of policemen dressed in SWAT gear, a little further away. The gap between them could easily be navigated by a flexible individual. She held out a hand. 'Gimme the camera.' Alan held it against his chest and looked reluctant. Then he sighed, said, 'But I get the credit,' and handed it over. Elasticity took it, and beginning to stretch her torso this time, began to crawl forward.

Slowly, slowly, the elastic girl crawled forward, winding in and out of the masses of people like threading a needle. Camera against her chest, she saw the gap growing larger and larger as the SWAT boys's backs neared.

There. A clear space. Raising the camera to her eye, she started to slither forward. They hadn't noticed.

Then, from the corners of her eyes, she saw the riot helmets flick sideways slightly. Nonie had a brief moment to think This isn't good, when the armoured shoulders slammed together in a bodycheck, squashing Elasticity's face like a bug on a windscreen.

Nonie had probably been about to say something like 'Hey, guys, this isn't right.' What came out was: 'Hoog!'

3.

'Poor baby,' Alan said, cradling the dropped camera in his hands, and peering at it intently for cracks and scratches, 'are you all right?'

'It'd be nice,' Elasticity said, pulling, pinching, and manipulating her face back into its proper shape, 'if you were a little concerned about me, Alan.' Alan looked at her, clueless, and not understanding. 'Come on, you're made of rubber,' he said quietly. 'How could you get hurt? You'd bounce!' Nonie gave it up. She looked at the mass of policemen. 'Looks like we're not going to get our scoop,' she said, and kicked at the ground with the curly toe of her elf boot. She sighed. 'Well, let's get ourselves back on a bus, and --' She stiffened, her ear expanding slightly. 'Wait!' Then, she struck a heroic pose and pointed 'Look!'

Alan's head snapped around, following her. 'What? What?' he said excitedly. His hands were itching. He wanted so badly to take a picture. He saw nothing but a crosswalk, and an elderly man and woman, perhaps husband and wife, on Alan and Nonie's side of the street, their backs to them. 'I don't see --'

'Them,' Nonie said, and pointed at the elderly couple. Alan stared at them, and then at Nonie, as though she'd lost her mind.

'Oh come on! Helping old people across the street? That's hardly --'

'It's publicity isn't it?' Nonie said.

'Well,' Alan protested.

'You'll get a picture out of it, right?'

'Yes, but --'

'One that you could sell to a paper?'

Alan didn't know what was more frightening. Elasticity's enthusiasm, or the childish, yet inescapable logic she was suddenly displaying. 'Let's go,' he said then, and began striding forward purposefully. Nonie beat him with one step, covering ten feet with one outstretched leg. Then, she wrapped an arm each around the startled couple and crossed the street in one step -- against the red light, stepping over and on top of the frantically honking cars. 'Hi there let me help you my name's Elasticity, what's yours mind the step!' was what Alan heard as he ran forward. Camera raised, he gaped at the other side of the street, as Nonie gathered up their packages, canes, and walkers, and presented them to the elderly couple with an awkward but functional curtsey.

When he crossed with the light, the camera was firmly set to his eye. His hair was plastered to his head with sweat, and his computer geek's heart was pounding. 'Hi!' he gasped, and the elderly couple's face swung to look at him. 'Can I take your picture?'

'He's with me,' Nonie said simply. 'He's sort of my sidekick.'

Alan felt his mouth dropping open, but he pushed the button, and the camera whirred. Then he stepped forward shakily, and extended his hand. 'Alan,' he gasped. The couple's names, it turned out, were Henry and Dora, and they were husband and wife.

'Thank you, dearie,' Dora said, pinching Nonie's cheek as though she were a favourite grandchild or niece; the amount of stretch seemed to bother her not at all. Henry was reaching in his wallet. 'How can we --'

Nonie was hopping briskly up and down on one leg, tension flooding her face. Alan looked -- and saw the elf boot on her other foot had somehow snagged on the bumper of an idling cab, its engine rumbling angrily.

Nonie shook her head, as if to say, No need to thank me -- and then the cab-driver gunned it. The last thing they heard was 'Glad I could heeeelllllppppppppp!' as she bounced and flopped away down the street. Alan's head flicked between his vanishing meal ticket that was now flopping all over the road, and the elderly couple. He decided instantly. He said 'Glad to meet you,' waved, and tried to ignore the stitch in his side as he started running again -- almost. He nearly tripped over the thing lying on the ground, picked it up, turned around -- and the couple were gone.

When he saw Nonie halfway down the street, wrapped and flapping round a streetlight like a living flag, he decided to walk instead. There was no hurry now.

4.

'She dropped her purse?' Nonie said.

Alan nodded. 'Maybe she'll give us a reward,' he said, and rubbed his hands. 'Well, this is the address.'

The house was a small, neat, brick house with a neat garden. The sort you'd expect a kindly old couple to own. Nonie stretched her arm up to the front door and pressed the bell. Following her arm up to the door, she waited. No response. Then, she squeezed her head between the screen door, and the inner door, and said 'Hello!' Still nothing.

'Guess they're not home,' Alan said quietly. 'This has been a great day!' Nonie either missed or ignored the sarcasm. She pulled her neck from between the doors and took the purse from Alan. 'Maybe there's a window I can squeeze through,' she said, and began slithering round the side of the house. 'Ah-HA!' came suddenly from the side of the house. Alan followed. Elasticity was easing herself down into a window well, with a slightly opened window, and beginning to slide through. Then she curled her neck around, and looked back at Alan. 'I'll open the window when I'm in, and you can slide the purse in after me. No problem.' Alan nodded.

Nonie paused to let her eyes adjust to the darkness in this cinderblock cellar. It was small, and relatively bare. Obviously, they didn't bother to entertain much down here. But it wasn't empty. There were lots of little things lying around. Nonie hit one with her foot, and it skittered away. Whatever it was, it was light. Elasticity reached down with an elongated arm and picked it up. Then, she walked over to the window, and looked at it in the light. It was greenish coloured. There was a large number on it, and a picture of a President, and the words In God We Trust. And there were lots of them.

Guess the old story about people keeping money under their mattresses is true. Except these people keep it in their basement instead of taking it to the bank...

Creak. The door at the top of the cellar stairs had opened. Nonie never registered the sound, or the air currents that stirred and rustled.

'Alan!' she called, and his face appeared at the window. 'What's up?'

'Get this. These people keep lots of money lying around in their basement. How weird is that?'

Something moved slowly down the stairs, taking care so that the stairs didn't creak, or the feet didn't land too heavily.

Elasticity was about to continue when something dropped over her head. Her last thought for a while was Wha--hey...

And upstairs and outside Alan started to turn when he heard Henry say 'Hello young man,' and his brain chimed in with What does he wan --

5.

Nonie woke up -- and looked at herself. Someone had turned her into a living macrame piece. Slowly, lovingly, elaborately, they'd stretched and pulled, and knotted her body around the room. Quite cleverly too -- trying to relax or pull one area tightened something else. It also produced an 'Ow!' that was not her own. Slowly, carefully, she elongated her neck, and breathed a sigh of relief when nothing tightened up. 'Alan?' she asked. There was no answer. She tried again.

'Alan? Where are you?'

'I'm wrapped up somewhere in your torso. I'd say about the region of your navel,' came the sour response. Not to mention I'm also rolled up in wire mesh, and someone seems to have pulled my jeans and tee-shirt through it with a crochet hook. This is peachy.'

'Looks like Dora and Henry are the bank robbers,' Elasticity said.

'Yup.'

'Yes, dearie. We are,' came the kindly, elderly voice. The light flared up, and the elderly couple was smiling at them indulgently. 'And before you ask why -- I'll just say Old Age Pensions aren't what they used to be.'

'It's brilliant,' Alan said. 'I mean, who'd suspect dear old Dora and Henry? You must be fast -- I mean, to get in and out of a bank like that.'

Henry shuffled forward, leaning heavily on his cane. 'Slow and steady wins the race, young 'un. I got fast hands,' he said, and a crochet hook appeared magically between his fingers, 'but with the way I walk, how could I do something like robbery, uh?'

Dora lifted up the folds of her shapeless black dress, as though preparing to curtsey. 'You'd be amazed how much you can hide under here,' she said. 'And you dearie,' she said to Elasticity, 'I suppose you can just call us Macra-Maid, and Captain Crochet. Are we your first villains?' Nonie shook her head. 'Ah well. It was very interesting,' she went on. 'I've never had to work with such unusual material before. Does it hurt dearie, or can you stretch further than that?'

'Well,' Alan said, 'I suppose you're going to kill us now.'

'Do your worst!' Nonie said, getting into the proper heroic spirit.

'Don't encourage them!' Alan wailed. But Dora shook her head.

'You're here because of our foolish mistake,' she said. 'We'll just leave you two tied up here while we make our getaway. You should be able to get free before you starve. I certainly hope so. Come, Henry.'

Moving slowly and painfully, the aged supervillains made their way to the stairs and moved up. At the top, the door closed, and the cellar went dark again.

'Now what?' Alan said. He could hear a strange slurping sound in the darkness. 'Nonie?' he said. No answer, but the slurping got louder.

'Hold thtill!' Elasticity said. Her voice sounded strange.

'What are you doing?' Alan asked.

'I'm loothening your thirt with my tongue!' Nonie said. 'When did you have a bath laft? You tathte terrible!'

Alan shifted, feeling the bonds loosen. The screen fell away, and with his shirt off, he was able to use his sweat to twist free. Fortunately, he wasn't far from the ground, and only half-skinned one knee. Then, he began fumbling around with Nonie, trying to figure where the macrame madness began.

'Watch the hands!' Nonie hissed.

'Sorry.' Then he touched an elf-boot. He balanced her foot in his hand for a moment, then slipped the boot off. He began to probe her foot, and heard giggling and snickering above him. 'St-st-st-stop!' Elasticity said.

'Just a second,' Alan said. Geek that he was, he'd never been in Eagle Scouts, Boy Scouts, the army, cadets, or any group that taught you anything about knots. But, the one thing that did come to mind was a nursery rhyme.

This little piggy went to market.

It was stupid. It was crazy. There was no way an intricate knot scheme like this could be linked to somebody's toe.

This little piggy stayed home.

But then, how many people had bodies that could stretch like rubber?

This little piggy ate roast beef.

How many had computer jacks implanted into the back of their head?

This little piggy had none.

He was a computer geek. Trained to hack, to program, and think logically. There was only one way to handle this properly.

And this little piggy went wee-wee-wee ALLL the way home.

Alan said To heck with it.

And he guessed.

6.

Henry's face was red and sweaty when he'd finished lugging the money and clothes to the car, putting them in the back seat. It would be a short trip to the airport. Dora looked at him, concerned. 'You all right, dear?'

'The clothes bag just seems a little heavy,' Henry said, and panted, as he slid behind the wheel. 'Did you put a green-and-yellow beach towel in, dear?'

'No,' Dora said mildly, pulling out some knitting and attacking it with a pair of lethal-looking needles, 'did you?'

'No,' Henry said, as he put the car in gear, and cautiously pulled out into the street, after checking both ways. He looked nervously at the clothes bag lying on the seat, and...

'Da-da-DA!' Nonie sang, in her best Captain Chaos imitation, as she flew out of the clothes bag, and flattened herself against the windshield. Unable to see, Henry brought the car to a complete stop. Dora cocked her head, and heard the sound of sirens in the distance. 'Oh dear.'

A grinning Alan tapped on the window and held up a cell phone. Henry sighed and closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose, as though his glasses hurt him.

'So,' Stephanie said, 'where have you been?'

'At the police station,' Alan said. Stephanie smirked. 'What else is new?'

'It's not like that, Steph! No way!' Nonie said, bouncing into the room like a Slinky. Her coils whirled around Stephanie, and she whipped the other woman off her feet, swirling her around until she was dizzy. 'We just caught a pair of senior-citizen supervillains!'

Stephanie waited until the room stopped spinning, and then fixed Nonie with a cold eye. 'Even by your standards, that's lame. We'll soon settle this,' she said, and snapped on the television.

'...the police would like to give thanks to the young superheroine Elasticity who assisted in the capture...' said a voice over a shot of Henry and Dora being put into a police van. 'An unnamed source said "She's a bit of a nincompoop, if you ask me, but her heart's in the right place. Don't call us, next time, all right, Miss? We'll call you."' Stephanie looked at Nonie and grinned. The young woman looked like she'd been hit with a large board.

'And as for that stoner friend of hers,' the voice continued, 'I think...'

"Stoner?' Alan said. 'I've never done drugs in my life! I've thought about dealing them once or twice, like, never,' he said, wilting under his sister's gaze. Stephanie switched the machine off.

'Well, that settles that,' she said, dusting her hands. 'I guess I was wrong about you. Let's have it.' Stephanie held out her hand and looked expectant.

'What?' Nonie and Alan said in unison.

'The money from those great pictures I'm sure you sold for mucho dinero. Come on, cough it up. You can contribute to groceries next week.'

Silence. Nonie and Alan looked at the floor.

'You didn't sell anything,' Stephanie said. It was a statement.

'All right then, give me the camera. I can get the money back on that at least.'

More silence. Then, sweetly as honey, Stephanie said.

'Alan? Oh, All-annn. Where...is...the...camera? Hmmm?'

'Well, Sis...'

'I do not like the way this conversation is going, Alan. You are not going to tell me what I think you are, Alan, because you are my brother, and you love me, and you would hate to see me upset, yes? Now, where is that thousand-dollar camera?'

'You see...'

'Oh, of course, you have a perfectly...' heavy breathing, the sounds of a temper begining to fray '...reasonable...explanation...don't you, brother dear?'

'It's like this...'

7.

From a list of the following week's expenses:

$2,500 for window repairs.